Posted: Sunday, July 5, 2009 12:00 am
CARY BRUS
Perspective
In 2007 the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change rendered its oft-cited AR4 report determining CO2 emissions are anthropogenic in nature. ("Anthropogenic" stems from the Greek root words "anthro-" meaning "former Vice President Al Gore" and "-pogenic" meaning "buckets of money.")
On the heels of the IPCC report the Supreme Court's recent ruling granting the EPA jurisdiction in the "CO2 Sweepstakes" gives the EPA broad powers in addressing carbon emissions. Luckily, the Nancy Pelosi-led Congress and the new administration have jointly promised to resolve this crisis on behalf of everyone at no expense to anyone. That is spiffy governing.
Thank goodness that whole climate change thing is behind us.
However, man-made legislation addressing changes in climate should not mean a return to complacency. I call your immediate attention to yet another global crisis, a problem of even more stunning proportion. An imminent threat which if not immediately addressed could make sage grouse, melting icebergs and rising sea levels seem trivial.
I refer, of course, to the irrefutable threat of Plate Tectonic Collisioning (PTC). How this issue has escaped those intuitive and deep-thinking investigative journalists at CNN, New York Times, Casper Star-Tribune and People is a mainstream media cover-up stunning in its magnitude. Why hasn't Anderson Cooper weighed in on this issue? No doubt those pesky Republicans are, again, behind a cover-up.
We haven't the time to point fingers, though. The imminent threat of tectonic collisions demands mankind's full attention. Quickly, while there is still time, the facts. Continental plates are, in fact, hurtling towards each other at rates of speed between 50 and 100 millimeters per year. This is about the same rate of growth as a human fingernail. It is estimated the North American continent is racing westward and will overtake and crash into the Asian continent in less than 700 million years.
Who is responsible for this pending disaster? Sadly, just as with global warming, mankind is fully and directly responsible for plate tectonics. How can this be, you may ask?
The answer is - of course - wind turbines.
Similar to the propeller on an airplane pulling an aircraft through the upper atmosphere, the hundreds of thousands of wind turbines placed on the North American continent are "pulling" our continent at mind-numbing speed towards Asia. Similar to the unintended consequences resulting in CO2 emissions, mankind's greedy and selfish desire for green power now threatens all life on this fragile planet. In just 700 million years.
Imagine the horrifying consequences when California crashes headlong into Japan. The lines at Disneyland will be so long. Our large vehicles won't fit through their narrow streets. Their food often tastes raw. Parking in both Japan and Southern California is already a huge hassle. And, frankly, anime cartoons are creepy. Our children will face these and other devastating consequences in less than a billion years.
(A point of clarification: I am not so concerned with the impact of tectonic collisions to the lesser continents of Asia, Africa, or Buenos Aires. They don't like us much anyway. And frankly, I have never understood why cartographers even classify Antarctica a continent. They don't participate in the Winter Olympics. Europe … 50-50. I do, though, care deeply about North America and Australia, the two continents who dominate surfing.)
The solution? Mankind must immediately shut down all wind turbines before it is too late. House fans, too. There is not a moment to waste. Why heed this advice? Similar to those early and courageous scientists whose cries on the issue of global warming went unheeded, I offer two compelling reasons. First, I am a scientist. Second, I made a graph. These two facts make me more qualified than Al Gore, the CEO of "Global Warming Inc." to sound the alarm of Plate Tectonic Collisioning.
Forget icebergs. And, don't fret over the glaciers in the Rockies. They have both been expanding and contracting for millions of years. Why limit your focus to just a few million acres? Won't you join me in saving an entire continent? Preventing plate tectonic collisions is the Holy Grail of futile causes and may prove to be the most important issue of our time. Maybe the entire year.
Preventing plate tectonic collisions eclipses global climate change as the latest urban religion. It is attracting Hollywood's edgiest stars and academia's coolest people. Best of all, this is the most financially attractive crisis opportunity in decades. The ROI for universities engaged in early-stage PTC grant writing experience is projected to surpass funding of climate change grant writers two to one. The field is so new you can manipulate much of the data, up to 48.337 percent, to obtain desired results. It will take years, if ever, to be disproved.
This should be an immediate call to arms for all in academia and the mainstream media who care deeply about saving our fragile continental plates. The new administration points out: "The policies of the previous administration did absolutely nothing to prevent plate tectonic collisions. Similar to other challenges we face - challenges inherited from the previous administration - we do not intend to waste this crisis."
Why should you?
Working together we can - we must! - Stop Plate Tectonics.
Cary Brus of Casper is a scientist. Sort of. He has personally ceased all use of his blow dryer.