Amy Kirkman

Mercer House Counselor

There were times when my sons were young that I cherished even the smallest moment when someone didn't need something from me. Now that my oldest son is 15, I sometimes find that there are hours at a time when we are not communicating at all. The door to a very messy room at the end of my hallway is often shut and my son is usually plugged into some electronic device.

Figuring out how to get more than a 'fine' or one syllable grunt out of a teenager may seem like a tall order some days, and it takes energy to stay connected. Developmentally, it is expected that our kids will begin to develop independence, confidence and move closer to their peers in adolescents. This does not change the fact that independence sometimes looks like defiance. Confidence can lead to a power struggle and peer influence is not always a good thing. There are times I watch my son navigate a problem on his own, and feel extremely proud that he is so capable. Other times, this pride is mixed with sadness that he is moving on to a part of his life where I am less and less involved. My son wants his space and independence - I want to know he is doing OK. Balancing both our needs has led to some sharp lessons as we figure out how to adjust to this stage of his life.

To connect with my teen, I have to take advantage of small opportunities. When I have tried to call my son into the living room for a 'talk,' he seems to shut down before the conversation even begins. Instead, it may be more helpful to have conversations that are shorter and less intimidating. By keeping the lines of communication open and staying connected, it is easier for kids to come to us with the issues with which they do need our help. To keep teenagers talking try some of these ideas:

* Initiate conversations while you are in the car or while you are busy working on a project together. This allows both of you to talk about embarrassing or sensitive issues without the pressure of keeping eye contact.

* Use technology to your advantage. Keeping in contact over text messaging or email can make it easier to get your kid's attention.

* Take advantage of the moments when your kids seek you out. If your children initiate a conversation, give them your full attention. These moments may be far between, so sending the message that they are important and you are not distracted will allow them to feel validated and heard.

* Read your children's nonverbal clues. I know when my son comes to sit by me on the couch or starts hanging out in the kitchen that he wants to tell me something. This is my signal to start a conversation or ask a few questions.

* Ask open-ended questions. Getting more information out of a teen can feel like a CIA interrogation if they find a way to answer with just a 'yes' or a 'no.' Try asking questions that need more of an explanation.

* Try not to have a big reaction or get angry when your children confide in you. You want them to feel safe coming to you with the big, scary issues they encounter without fear of causing a fight.

* Look here every other week for "Parenting with Purpose," a column presented by the Natrona County Prevention Coalition family and parenting committee. The columns focus on building healthy families while highlighting family events, classes and activities. For more information on the coalition, dedicated to preventing substance abuse and forming healthy communities, visit www.ncpreventioncoalition.net.

Talking to teens

* What: Strengthening Families is program designed to bring families with children 10 to 14 years old closer to together and to create family environments with lost of love and while defining limits.

* When: Thursday nights, Oct. 9 - Nov. 13.

* Where: Highland Park Church.

* Cost: Free, but registration required.

* Register: Call Tammy Noel at Mercer House at 265-7366.

Parenting calendar

* Love and Logic Parenting: Presented by Nutrition and Child Development, this class features hands-on tools to make parenting easier. Call Theresa at 237-1496 or e-mail trishazeller@wyoncd.org for more information. To learn more about the program, visit www.loveandlogic.com.

* Mercer House's 'Baby Steps': A support and educational-play group for parents of children birth to 5 years old. 3:30 to 5 p.m. every Monday. Call facilitator Kathy Herter at 265-7366 for information.

* Online parenting class: "Parenting Wisely," sponsored by Mercer House. For parents of children 8 to 18 years old. Teaches assertive discipline, using "I" statements, contracting with your teen, active listening and more. It also includes three support group sessions. Call facilitator Debbie Mueller at 265-7366 for more information.

* Red Cross classes: American Red Cross of Natrona County offers classes in CPR, First Aid, baby-sitter training and more. For information, call 237-8436.

Parent-education seminar: The Wyoming Children's Access Network provides parent-education seminars for divorcing, separated, and never-married parents. The one-time, four-hour seminar is provided monthly in Casper and other cities around the state. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and other adults close to the children are welcome to attend. There is a nominal fee that may be waived upon request, based on need. Preregistration is required 24 hours in advance. Call (866) 726-3700.

* UPLIFT Fathers' Focus Group: Meets from 1 to 2:30 p.m. on the fourth Saturday of each month in the UPLIFT office at 145 S. Durbin St. Suite 201. UPLIFT provides support, education and advocacy for families with children who struggle with emotional, behavioral and mental disorders. www.upliftwy.org.

* Head Start: Natrona County Head Start is now taking applications for 3- to 5-year-olds for the 2007-2008 school year. This quality preschool program is free to qualifying families. Info: 577-1864.

Family fun

* Preschool Picassos: 1 to 2 p.m. Mondays at the Nicolaysen Art Museum and Discovery Center. For preschoolers and their parents, a weekly program of fun art activities and stories. Cost is $2 per child for members, $3 for nonmembers. NIC family memberships are $60. 235-5247, www.thenic.org.

* Art's Cool After School: 4 to 5 p.m. Tuesdays at the Nic. For children 8 to 12 who want to explore the creative process of art and art education. $2 per child for members, $3 for nonmembers. Advance sign-up recommended. 235-5247, www.thenic.org.

* Art's Cooler Homeschooler: 1 to 2 p.m. Wednesdays, and 2 to 3 p.m. the first and third Wednesdays of each month, at the Nic. For homeschooled children of all ages who want to learn about art in a social setting. $2 per child for members, $3 for nonmembers. Advance sign-up is appreciated. 235-5247, www.thenic.org.

* Fort Caspar Museum: Open Monday through Sunday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Tour a reconstructed 1865 military post located at a major river crossing on the Oregon, California, Mormon Pioneer, Pony Express, and transcontinental telegraph trail corridor. Cost is $2 for adults, $1 for children and free for children age 12 and under. 235-8462 or www.fortcasparwyoming.com.

* Science Zone: Open Monday through Saturday from 10 a.m.-5 p.m. The museum is a community-based museum that provides science, math and technology experiences to people of all ages. Cost is $4 for adults, $3 for children, and free for kids under age 3. 473-ZONE or www.thesciencezone.org.