Colleen Barnett had plans.
The 56-year-old Casper woman was going to move to Albuquerque, New Mexico, to start a new life.
Instead, she is raising two grandchildren, ages 9 and 4. Retirement is no longer on the horizon. She works as a cook at Head Start to provide for her grandchildren. While other grandparents spoil their grandchildren and take them on fun outings, Barnett spends her days hauling kids to sports practices, helping with homework and all the other things that come with child-rearing.
"I'm glad I did it, but I had no choice," she said. "I don't want them to go to foster care or adoption."
Barnett is one of many Wyoming grandparents who is a full-time parent to a grandchild. About 10 percent of grandparents nationwide raise their grandchildren, according to Tim Summers, director of AARP for Wyoming. The rates are slightly higher in Wyoming.
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"Because of Wyoming's demographics and because of the [Wind River Indian R]eservation, we're slightly higher than the national average," he said.
In 2012, there were 7,024 grandparents raising grandchildren, according to Terri Dawson, executive director of the Parent Information Center, an organization for parents of disabled children in Buffalo.
In addition to changing life's vector, raising children as an older adult poses unique challenges.
"You kind of feel like the later years of your life have been robbed," said Debbie Walter, who raises her three grandchildren in Cheyenne. "You should be able to relax and come and go as you want."
Parenthood again
When her boyfriend went to prison, Michelle Wallace couldn't muster the energy to care for her infant son.
"My whole world just collapsed," she said.
There are a number of reason parents can no longer raise their children. They include everything from death, mental illness and substance abuse to military deployment or incarceration.
Wallace, 31, moved away and got into drugs. Her mother, Barnett, took in her son at 3 months of age and cared for him for three years.
"I think she's the most amazing person ever," Wallace said. "It's not fair for us to make our parents raise our children. If it wasn't for my mom, where would we be?"
Wallace has been clean for a year now and recently moved back to Casper to be near her son. She is trying to make up for lost time.
"He's so grown-up, and I still think he's just a baby," she said. "I missed so much with him."
Oftentimes, parents willingly sign over temporary guardianship of their children to their parents, Dawson said. Other situations can be contentious. For example, grandparents might give their child an ultimatum.
While some families have informal arrangements, many go a legal route. It can be necessary in order to enroll children in school or acquire health insurance for them.
The Wyoming Department of Family Services looks to family first when placing children in foster care.
"It's often the grandparents who step up to the plate and really want the kids placed with them," said Dana Ward, social services program analyst for the Wyoming Department of Family Services in Rock Springs. "The grandparents or relatives can help maintain connections, and they're able to carry on the family's traditions and culture."
Challenges
Walter, the Cheyenne woman who cares for three grandchildren, is a widow, has lost three toes to diabetes and has some other health problems, as well. Each of her grandchildren has been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
Frankly, she's tired.
"They are high-every kids and I am a low-energy grandma," Walter said. "I think sometimes they get cheated a little bit because I don't have the energy and time for activities."
Age, health, finances and stress can all take a toll on grandparents who are raising grandchildren.
"Suddenly, they're thrust in this role and there has to be boundaries and there has to be guidelines," said Traci Gardner, a provisionally licensed clinical social worker and program manager at Mercer Family Resource Center in Casper.
One benefit to returning to parenthood is already having the experience.
"My patience level is much better than when I was younger," Walter said.
However, parenting techniques, health and nutrition guidelines, and even schoolwork have changed since many grandparents were parents.
Gardner recommends taking a parenting class to refresh parenting skills and becoming familiar using the Internet. Unlike when most grandparents were parenting, much information is online and so are kids.
Some grandparents and grandchildren may also benefit from counseling, individually or as a family.
"It's important to remember that some -- not all -- of the children have experienced trauma, and we know with trauma that a professional should be involved," Gardner said.
In addition to the stress of parenting grandchildren and the loss of retirement, grandparents may also be concerned about their own child. Depending on the situation, some grandparents may experience disappointment or guilt in regard to their parenting and their child's parenting skills.
"If the grandparent is taking on a parental role, the relationship changes, not only for the child but with the child's parents," said Ward. "It's not uncommon for the grandparent to go through the grieving process, and sometime they need counseling or additional help."
If a parent is still involved in the child's life, this also brings an added dynamic. There may be questions on how much access and responsibility to give him or her.
Resources
When Karen Tomasini of Casper starting caring for her granddaughter, it was a complete shock.
"We had never been in a situation dealing with the law and the Department of Family Services," Tomasini said. "I didn't know where to turn."
At the time, there were no organizations serving grandparents who were raising grandchildren, so she started a support group. In its first five years, Parenting the Second Time Around featured 60 guest speakers and had as many as 30 attendees.
"Thank God for this group," Barnett said at a recent meeting. "You are able to come in and blow off a little steam. It's great."
Today, many of Wyoming's larger communities host support groups, such as Rock Springs and Cheyenne. They can usually be found through senior centers.
In addition, grandparents who are raising grandchildren often have questions about the legal process in regard to custody, current parenting and health information, as well as where to get counseling for themselves and/or the children.
If you have a caseworker, he or she should be able to recommend local training and support groups.
Financial assistance may be available through Wyoming DFS's Personal Opportunities With Employment Responsibilities Program.
The Wyoming Aging and Disability Resource Center can also be very helpful to grandparents. It provides information and referrals for long-term care services and support to people over age 55 and those over age 18 who are living with a disability.
"With the right support -- with any family member who is stepping into the role of parent -- it can be hugely successful," Gardner said.
